It seems easier to ask for forgiveness than to give it. But for a relationship to be healthy (and happy by the way), there will be times when you must ask for, and give, forgiveness.
But forgiveness is about much more than saying, “Will you forgive me?” or “I forgive you.”
Forgiveness is about heart. Saying “I forgive you” doesn’t count if you choose to still harbor anger,
bitterness and resentment.
What does it mean to forgive?
Forgiveness is less about forgetting and more about choosing NOT to punish your spouse for their offense.
To forgive them is to pardon them - this is the soul of forgiveness. Forgiving your spouse verbally but putting them on probation in your mind isn't forgiveness.
How to forgive your spouse...
1. Identify the real enemy.
When wronged, we tend to become angry with the person who committed the offense and see them as the enemy. This attitude makes it tough to restore the relationship. So try your best to separate the mistake/action from the person.
2. Share your hurt with your partner.
Most of us need to be heard before we can move on. So discuss your feelings with your partner. Fight any temptation to point fingers and cast blame; simply share how you feel.
3. Make the choice to forgive.
Forgiveness is a decision.
Although the situation might be complicated, your options are simple. You have two choices: Decide to forgive OR choose to continue being consumed by anger and
resentment.
Don't make it worse by waiting for anger and resentment to go away before deciding to forgive because you’ll only prolong the pain.
Emotions tend to fall in line with our decisions. When you choose to forgive someone, you’ll begin to feel more forgiving. Give yourself the gift
of forgiving sooner rather than later.
4. Moving forward.
People don’t like to get hurt, especially by the same person over and over again. If this is happening, there's an underlying issue that isn't being addressed because something is triggering the
offense.
However, keep in mind that as long as you’re in a relationship with a flawed, imperfect human being, there will be painful moments. Striving for the “perfect” pain-free relationship is unrealistic.
One of the best ways to protect yourself from unnecessary pain is for you and your
spouse to discuss the way forward with each other.
Each of you should discuss whatever changes/compromises you're willing to make and expect from each other, and from your marriage, to turn things around and start moving in a healthier direction.
Set realistic, manageable
guidelines/rules (and make them few) that you BOTH agree on.
**** This isn’t a one-sided situation where a demanding spouse sets the rules; it takes two to party.
Listen closely: Each partner must take 100% responsibility for the health and happiness of the relationship. 50/50 doesn't cut it. Each must give their all; 100%.
Forgiveness requires patience. It also requires that each spouse will decide to do whatever it takes to have a healthy relationship.
Is forgiveness easy? The Divorce Courts prove that it isn't. But those who are in the happiest marriages are living proof that it can be done and is worth it.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker and the Mad About Marriage Crew and we want
YOU to be mad about marriage!
