More than 15-20 percent of married couples – including Christians - in America are in a sexless marriage, meaning they have
sex less than 10 times a year.
Think about it... one in five marriages is sexless.
A sexless marriage is a place of extreme loneliness and isolation.
Emotional
Struggles
These spouses face so many challenges:
The pain of unmet physical and emotional needs.
Loss and rejection.
Feeling unwanted and undesired.
Anger, frustration, sorrow.
Grief.
Resentment and bitterness.
Feeling tricked or stuck.
Feelings of unfairness.
Struggling with low self-esteem/self-worth.
Hopelessness, helplessness and depression.
Feeling that they're not enough or are unworthy of love.
You can imagine how easy it might be for a person in this situation to give up on themselves, their marriage and even on their dreams.
Why Do People Stay In Sexless Marriages?
For many reasons. But a common one is kids. A spouse will choose the daily ache of lost love over losing their children.
Others stay in the marriage because of
religion.
Some stay because it feels safe and they enjoy the lifestyle they’ve created; so they accept just being friends with their spouse over an authentic marriage.
The fear of losing a high profile career.
If
the sexless marriage persists long enough, the temptation will grow to satisfy the need for emotional and physical intimacy outside of the marriage.
Why Sexless?
Before you can do anything to restore a sexless marriage you must determine why it has become sexless. Of
the many reasons, these are common:
Health or medical issues.
Sexual trauma.
Hormonal decline.
Psychological
issues.
Giving birth followed by years of parental fatigue.
Beliefs - that sex is "dirty", carnal or sinful.
Feelings of being used just for sex.
Infidelity.
Putting work or kids first year after year after year.
Allowing sex to become a chore.
Being out of sync sexually.
Being selfish sexually.
Dissatisfaction with sex.
It's important to note that rates for emotional & physical infidelity are increasing.
Having sex is the last thing a partner wants to do with a cheating spouse.
Dealing with a Sexless Marriage
If you're in
a sexless marriage, chances are it's been going on for quite a while. So here's my simple advice:
I highly recommend therapy because there will be many, many issues to work through that require expert help, time and tremendous patience.
If the root of the problem is medical or health-related, then perhaps a visit to your primary care provider will be sufficient.
THE KEY TO SEXUAL
FULFILLMENT
Sexual intimacy should be fulfilling and desired by both parties. It’s impossible to look forward to something that you don't enjoy.
The key to sexual fulfillment is giving yourself over completely TO meeting your spouse’s needs.
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife and the wife seeking to satisfy her husband emotionally and
physically.
This is exactly what Paul meant when he said in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.”
That being said, if you feel hurt, rejected or believe that your spouse is no longer interested in you, it'll likely take time and therapy before you can just "bounce back" from a sexless marriage into a healthy and happy relationship.
Once a couple starts working through their issues (either real, assumed, or imagined), they can deepen sexual
fulfillment by trying new things such as changing the time and place where they make love; boredom and predictability erode intimacy.
Marriage should be a safe space where couples can experiment sexually – without compromising their values – and without fear of being judged or rejected.
By
the way, your bedroom is YOUR business. You're free to try all those new ideas you've been having!
Physical Intimacy & Excuses
Married couples are notorious for making excuses when it’s time to make love. Some common excuses include being too tired, being too self conscious and not having enough time.
Truth-be-told, as long as you’re looking, you will always find a reason for not being intimate with your spouse.
Remember, you don't need to have a gourmet love-making session filled with special, time-consuming romance each time. Variety is, after all, the spice of life.
You deserve to be happy. And sex is part of that plan.
Be Encouraged
Give
yourself the gift of finding a qualified expert to help heal your marriage.
Find someone who is committed to saving marriages and will do everything to restore yours.
You might try two or three marriage therapists before finding the "right" one for you.
One of the most important things a marriage therapist does is get both parties talking again.
In sexless marriages, the partners usually stop talking; there is a severe lack of communication but an abundance of assumptions and misguided conclusions.
If you feel hopeless, remember that a situation is only truly hopeless when you quit.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker & the Mad About Marriage Crew, wanting YOU to be mad about marriage!
