We need touch. We want to be touched. We crave touch.
Besides, it’s a scientific fact that physical touch improves
our health and relationships.
Many years ago in orphanages outside of the USA,
the
tragic observation was made that infants who were
neglected and not touched wasted away and died.
In recent years, much research has been done on touch.
In one study of infants who were born prematurely, nurses
stroked their arms and legs gently for fifteen minutes three
times daily; the babies gained 47% more weight EACH DAY
compared to those who
weren’t touched.
But if touch is so important and we crave it so much, why
are there so many touch-less (and sexless) marriages?
(Even if you’re not married or in a relationship, the benefits
of touch can still be enjoyed through close, caring
friendships where loving touch is expressed through warm
physical contact, etc., or even from pets - if you’re a pet lover.)
That being said, touch can be a source of conflict.
Some people, because of past trauma involving touch,
require therapy in order to integrate healthy touch into
their
marriage.
But a more common source of conflict comes from the
different perceptions men and women have about the
role of touch.
Shocker!
Men need loving touch and physical affection to feel
affirmed, accepted and loved by their partner.
Women need emotional connection to feel loved BEFORE
they’re comfortable with giving and receiving touch
because without emotional intimacy what’s the point of
physical intimacy?
It’s genius, really. God made sure
that love would never be
just about “me.” Love isn’t one-sided; it’s only complete
when shared.
But wait! It
gets even more complicated!
Each of us prefers to receive love in a very specific way. We
have rules about what needs to happen in order for us to
“feel” loved.
Some people need to hear the words, “I love you.” These
people have a verbal orientation.
Others need to see or feel it.
Unless we receive love in in the way we’re wired to “connect”
with the world - auditory, visual, kinesthetic - our partner’s
expressions of love & affection won’t register with us.
Take someone who has an auditory orientation, you could
hug them fifty times a day but your love for them won’t
register because you didn’t use any words.
A simple
“I love you” combined with your hug will do the trick
for them.
So put on your Sherlock Holmes hat and find out how your
partner “needs” to receive love in order for them to be
able
to receive into their heart your love for them.
Ask them, “What needs to happen for you to really feel
loved by me? Do you feel it more when I use words like
‘I love you? Or when I hug you and say it? Or when I
smile and say I love you?”
Know
this…
Everyone wants to receive love from their spouse. And
everyone has rules about how that needs to happen in
order for them to recognize, hear or feel your love.
You want to give love to your spouse. And your partner
wants to receive love from you.
It’s that simple. All you need to do is “break” the
code.
Give your partner the greatest gift of all this holiday season.
Give them the gift of your love wrapped n a way that makes
sense and matters to them.
Until next time this is Mike Tucker and the Mad About
Marriage team and we want you to be mad about marriage!
