So last week we talked about what nagging is and how to
deal with it. In fact, I gave you two ways to cure it.
Today, I'm sharing three more.
But here’s the bottom
line:
Nagging is disrespectful, irritating and creates resentment.
It just doesn’t work. And even if you DO get what you want,
nagging damages your relationship in the process.
So here are
the final three steps for dealing with nagging:
Step 3) Assume the best about your spouse’s response.
Once you’ve expressed your desire, assume that your spouse will
respond positively.
Don’t keep repeating the
request.
Be patient and give your spouse a chance to respond.
Step 4) Learn to use “I” statements.
If your spouse habitually resists your request, practice using
“I” statements.
Express your request by using statements that focus on your own
needs and feelings about the situation.
For example: “I need you to do _____. I feel like we’re on the
same team when you take responsibility for handling
this task.”
If you’re attempting to deal with a previously unmet need that
has caused a negative situation, a pattern for expressing your
concern is:
“When (describe the behavior or incident) happens, I feel
(hurt, angry, disrespected)."
"I need (describe what you would like to have happen now).”
Saying it this way is even better and less confrontational:
"It'd mean a lot to me if you'd consider doing (describe
what you would like to have happen now) for me."
You’re responsible for your own feelings and
perceptions.
Expressing what you feel, think, or perceive will make much
more of an impression on your spouse (who loves you) than
will “you always” or “you never” remarks that put them on
the defensive.
But
here’s the thing, though - don’t use this approach as an
elegant way to manipulate or coerce your partner.
Just because you feel a certain way about a certain situation
doesn’t mean it’s healthy, accurate or right.
Your spouse might feel differently about the matter or have
a entirely different perspective.
We’re not replacing a nagging approach to getting what you
want with a negotiating approach for getting what you want
by
using “I” statements, etc.
Sure, negotiation is more elegant than nagging, and clearly
stating what you think and how you feel about the situation
is more emotionally intelligent, but at the end of the day
what always works best is meeting the needs of our spouse
first in a spirit of kindness and love.
So let’s be clear, what we’re NOT talking about here is a nicer
form of nagging.
Step 5) Respond promptly to requests
Much nagging comes as a result of frustration over a lack of action
after a request has been made.
So keep these two things in mind:
1) A request is just that: A request.
A request is not a demand.
2) Procrastination fuels nagging.
If
you feel that your spouse is a “nagger,” be proactive in solving
the problem. Just do it and be done with it!
When your spouse asks you to do something, respond promptly:
1) Acknowledge that you’ve heard the request
2) Tell them whether or not you will do what they’ve asked, and why.
3) Give them a timetable to put their mind as ease.
4) Complete the task as quickly as possible or as promised.
Developing a track record of honest response to requests, and of
completed tasks, will put your spouses’ mind at ease and will
foster an attitude of trust and respect.
Until next week,
this is Mike Tucker & the Team and we want
YOU to be mad about marriage!
