Couples complain to me quite a bit about all of the nagging in
their marriage. It’s driving them
crazy!!
One of the biggest arguments against getting married is that
you will be chained for the REST OF YOUR LIFE to a nagging
partner, and NEVER again experience freedom because of their
constant and never ending, irritating and overbearing demands.
Nagging is like Chinese Water Torture.
Drip…drip…drip!
When will it ever stop?!? It's driving me mad!
It’s not just a gender thing either, in case you were wondering.
I dare say everyone reading this, including me, has been guilty
of nagging at least once in their
lifetime.
But What Is Nagging, Really?
The dictionary's defines "nag" as:
1) To subject (someone) to constant scolding and sharp
reminders.
Wait…it gets worse:
Synonyms for “nag”
dog, henpeck, hound, needle, peck
(at)
Related Words:
(deep breath) ....
carp (at), fuss (about or over), nitpick; annoy, badger, bait,
bother, bug, chivy (or chivvy), harass, harry, hassle, irk,
pester,
plague, ride, vex, yap (at); egg, goad, incite, prod, prompt, spur,
urge; exhort, insist, press, pressure, push; blandish, cajole, coax,
wheedle; beg, importune, plead...
(Wow! No wonder we avoid nagging people!!!)
...Nitpicky, annoying, badgering, bothersome, harassing, irksome,
and more.
We don’t want to be around that person –
AND we don’t want
to be that person either.
The Opposite of Nagging
According to the dictionary, these are the antonyms - the
opposites - of nag:
Near antonyms:
commend, laud, praise, recommend, tout; acclaim, applaud,
build up, eulogize, extol
Note the stark
contrast.
THE ANTI-DOTE TO NAGGING
The solution for finally ending nagging begins with a simple
understanding of what nagging-type behavior is, which we
just did by checking the
dictionary.
So, do you want to be around a person who nitpicks, annoys,
and badgers?
Me either!
How about being with someone who commends, lauds, praises,
applauds, and builds you up?
I’m in!
(By the way, your spouse feels the same
way.)
Employing the “opposite” of nagging is one of the best strategies
for curing the problem.
But, you say, it’s not always that easy.
I know.
You’ve tried asking nicely and your spouse seems to ignore you
anyway or doesn’t do things the way you want them to be done.
Often, husbands and wives nag each other out of
frustration.
They have a desire or need, and they seem to encounter a brick
wall when asking their spouse to meet that need.
They don’t feel like they’re being heard. Or they’re uncertain if
their spouse really understands why they’re making the request, or
why it’s important to them.
So they ask again and again and again with ever-increasing force
and criticism but to no avail.
And if your spouse DOES comply, it’s usually grudgingly.
Nagging creates resentment in both people because the requesting
spouse feels that their partner is cold and uncaring, and the
receiving spouse feels judged and disrespected.
Resentment spills over into other areas of your relationship and
soon colors your entire attitude toward your spouse.
You no longer see the wonderful, funny, talented person you married.
In fact, before long, you no longer see much good in them at all.
Steps For Overcoming Nagging
This week’s tip is already too long, so I’ll just share two steps
you can use to
cure nagging. I’ll share the other two next week.
1) How Important?
First, ask yourself how important this issue is to you.
Be honest.
Is it something you could let go or simply do yourself?
Does it really matter that it be done your way, or can you be
content with your spouse doing it their own way or on their timetable?
If you decide this is unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and it’s
possible to let the issue go
without creating greater resentment, then
why not give yourself (and your spouse) the gift of letting it go.
2) Get Better At
Asking.
If you want something, learn how to ask clearly and kindly.
It’s unfortunate how many married people expect their spouses
to somehow just know what they want. But they're not a mind
reader.
Nagging sometimes begins because a need was not clearly expressed.
It’s important to let your spouse know your needs and wants.
Be sure to ask, not demand.
Make it a sincere request rather than a veiled/direct command.
Be open to receiving your partner’s response.
Be respectful of their schedule and thoughts about
the request.
They might be willing to do what you’ve asked but perhaps it
will be later than you wanted/anticipated.
Just knowing this will make you feel more content, rather than
stewing and assuming the worst when it doesn’t happen on
your timetable.
Finally, don’t just drop hints that they might never pick up on – and
even if they do, hinting takes longer than if you would’ve just told
them in the first place.
Just because you have to tell them directly what you want doesn't
mean they like, love or care for you any less.
Okay...that's more than enough for this week. We’ll cover the final two
steps next week.
REFLECTION
How bad is the “nagging”
in your relationship?
Of the reasons already given, why do you think there’s so much
nagging in your relationship (if indeed there is)?
From what you’ve learned today, what is at least one thing you’re
willing to try this week, starting today, to reduce/eliminate the
nagging in your relationship?
Give your best effort over the next few days to really make a difference
in this area of your relationship so that you’re ready for the final two
steps I’ll be sharing next week.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker
& the Team and we want
YOU to be mad about marriage!
