Why do you fight with your spouse?
Some
couples fight (abut nothing) because their marriage is boring. They
let the sparks fly to make heat, mix things up.
Sometimes a spouse picks a fight because their partner is giving them the
cold shoulder and they want to know if they still care.
Sometimes couples have been fighting for so long (over stuff they don’t even
remember anymore) that conflict has become their new normal where the
slightest thing triggers them.
And sometimes they fight over the wrong stuff like the
symptoms instead of
the real issues; wounds remain open and unhealed.
Of course couples fight for other reasons, too.
But why do you fight with your spouse?
If anything good could be said about fighting it’d be this: fighting might indicate
that one or both partners is/are still invested emotionally in the relationship to
some degree.
But a lifestyle of conflict, arguing and fighting corrodes your physical, mental
and relational health.
Want more love and less pain? Follow these tips:
1. Agree on a time to start a conversation.
This is a process not an event.
Agree you’ll listen to each other without getting defensive or critical or judgmental.
You want your conversation to be safe, open and productive.
(You might need a marriage counselor to facilitate this.)
2. Ask your spouse to share their thoughts & feelings.
Listen without interrupting and going all Perry Mason on them.
3. Share your thoughts and feelings.
4. Discuss what might be the real issue(s). Be honest.
Has there been a loss of healthy conversation?
Are you & your spouse losing touch? Drifting?
Have you begun living separate lives?
Have you been arguing over:
Finances
Money
Work/Careers
Kids
Friends or family
Lifestyle - one of you is adventurous the other a home body?
5. Decide on the kind of marriage you want and agree on what you WILL DO
together to create it.
Is the solution having more quality AND quantity time together?
Compromise?
More demonstrations of affirmation and support?
Helping each other out more with life’s demands?
The Magic Starts Here
You can fix your marriage BUT you must start talking “with” and not “at” your spouse.
If you can’t do this on your own find
a marriage counselor, especially if one or both
of you are prone to manipulating or spining the issues in your favor.
Please
keep in mind that it might be a good idea to schedule multiple times
for these discussions because it gives you a chance to:
1) Cool off and get perspective
2) Understand what your spouse is trying to say
3) Decode. People seldom say what they mean at first but over time you can
kind of figure
out their “true” message.
Keep in mind that you and your spouse are unique individuals with distinct
points of view. So please don't
strive for uniformity.
A word to the wise: uniformity, where two people are exactly the same, creates
unhealthy relationships.
It’s true that you and your partner require a certain percentage of common
values, standards and beliefs for a healthy relationship.
But too much in common is like…well, first cousins marrying each other(!) because
too much of the same affects the genetic pool adversely.
Some of your hopes, wishes and goals will be uniquely your own.
What is ideal for you might not be ideal for your spouse.
So strive for unity without uniformity.
Negotiate.
Compromise.
Lovingly accept your spouse for the wonderful person he or she
is.
This attitude and spirit will work wonders for your marriage.
In summary, here are the steps for more love and less
pain:
Identify the real issue(s)
Acknowledge each other’s thoughts and feelings
Identify challenges and
difficulties
Decide on the kind of marriage you want
Compromise and agree on solutions
Implement those
solutions
Appreciate your differences - strive for unity not uniformity
Create the marriage environment you desire
Follow these tips and you will be mad about marriage again not just mad!
Until next time this is Mike & the Crew and we want you to be
mad about marriage!
