Hi ,
Last week, we shared these four steps for saving your marriage from the
tyranny of the urgent, and promised to share four more today:
Step 1: Take Time to Understand The Reasons Why You're Having Problems
Step 2: Understand Your Spouse
Step 3: Understand Yourself
Step 4: Embrace the process with patience.
(If you missed last week's tip, I've pasted it at the bottom of this page
below this email.)
Here are the final four steps:
Step 5: Put Your Ego In Timeout.
It's amazing what we'll do to protect our ego.
We defend it at all costs;
lash out; ignore; justify; rationalize.
But here's a question: What's more important, your ego or your marriage?
Just something to think about...
The Ego can cause trouble in a marriage when it focuses on what it
can get or isn't getting.
It's a healthy reminder that unconditional love gives.
It doesn't trade,
exchange, barter or keep score. It just gives.
Step 6: Create A Safe Emotional Environment.
You and your spouse should feel safe to discuss anything.
You should be able to share all of your worries, concerns, problems,
fears,
wants, needs and desires.
And it should be done within a caring, loving and supportive environment.
Does your marriage feel safe?
Can you share your heart with your spouse without risk of being hurt?
Creating a safe emotional environment is essential. Our home and
marriage should be a shelter from the harshness of the world.
Step 7: Schedule Blocks Of Quality & Quantity Time.
You and your spouse require and deserve time together.
Every week in our work with people, Gayle and I observe husbands and
wives who are not making time for themselves.
Care to try something crazy?
Take out your calendar and schedule five
dates with your spouse
over the next five weeks so you can get to know
each other again.
Take an interest. Stop settling for a lukewarm relationship.
Live with passion.
Step 8: Focus On The Promise Not On The Pain
Here's what I know from working with countless couples: Focusing on
the pain only makes things seem more painful.
Pain can be a good thing if it gives you the needed motivation to do
whatever
it takes to make things better.
The trick is to not focus on the pain but on the promise - on the better,
brighter
outcome you're working towards.
Bottom line is that your marriage is worth saving.
YOU deserve to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship with your spouse.
So whether your marriage is falling apart and you feel on the verge of
divorce, or you're in a dull, bland and boring relationship only going
through the motions, consider the eight steps we've shared.
Choose to do two, three or four - or all eight!
Draw a line in the sand today to keep the world out.
Promise to give yourself
the time and energy you need to take care of
what matters most, starting
with your marriage.
Until next week, this is Mike & Gayle Tucker and we want YOU to
be mad about marriage.
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4 Steps to Save Your Marriage Part 1 (from February 20)
Hi ,
One of the most important decision you can make is to stop being
bullied by life's “urgent demands.”
People will invade your life with THEIR urgent demands as long as
you let
them.
And the important things requiring your time and attention are ignored,
to your personal detriment, by the way.
This is YOUR life and you deserve to invest your highest and best
energies into what matters most. And something that matters
most
is your marriage.
Question: If things stay the same, where will your marriage be in a
year from now?
Is that what you want?
Don’t give up on your marriage
and let it whither because you’re too
busy taking care of other people’s stuff.
Take action today to save your marriage.
(*** By the way, if your marriage is dull, bland or boring and has
become a too-comfortable environment in which you and your
spouse
merely coexist, your relationship needs saving, too. Just because a
couple owns a marriage license doesn’t mean they own a marriage.)
Let's cover four steps this week for saving your marriage & four next week:
Step 1: Understand The Reasons Why
You're Having Problems.
What's causing the trouble?
Unresolved conflict...
Poor communication...
Anger..
Arguing...
Cheating...
Parenting conflicts...
Addictions...
A co-dependent spouse...
Too little time together (especially if you've just become new parents)
...
Divide a piece of paper into two columns. Above one column write
“Strengths” and over the other “Challenges” and then start making
your lists.
Awareness is one of the first steps towards recovery. But many people
don’t give themselves the time they need to
create awareness.
Step 2: Understand Your Spouse.
Do you realize they’re not the same person you married years ago?
People change and grow.
How
well do you know your spouse?
Do you really know their wants, hopes and dreams?
Step 3: Understand Yourself.
You’re not the same person your spouse married,
either.
In what ways have you changed/grown through the years?
Does your spouse really know you anymore?
Step 4: Embrace the process with
patience.
So much of life is a process, isn’t it?
It’s important to be patient with the process AND with your spouse.
In fact, if you can enjoy the process, all the
better.
Impatience, intolerance and disrespect in a relationship are like
throwing battery acid on a rose.
As always, a marriage counselor can be of great help in dealing
with emotional conflicts such as anger, resentment and
bitterness.
But keep in mind, too that a spirit of indifference within a relationship
is also poisonous.
Some spouses are polite and courteous to each other but there’s no
connection - no spark or warmth; they're indifferent, lukewarm. But
they stay together because the idea of ending the relationship fills
them with the fear and uncertainty of being alone
They might not be happy with their marriage but at least
they're comfortable.
But here's the GREAT news: Infusing new life into a relationship and
resurrecting a marriage isn't nearly as difficult as people think.
Rekindling passion is much easier and happens more quickly than
people
imagine.
So, which of these four steps will you give yourself the gift of time
today to start working through?
We’ll cover the remaining four steps next week. But don't wait. Get
started. Prove to yourself that your marriage really matters to
you
by taking action today.
Until next time, this is Mike & Gaye Tucker and we want YOU
to be mad about marriage.
=============================================
