Cheating. The rules used to be so clear; it was a simpler time.
So here’s a question: If a spouse is spending a great deal of time
interacting with another person online, is it cheating?
The safe answer is, “it
depends.”
If each spouse has many online friends with whom they spend large
chunks of time interacting, and they’re comfortable with this even
though it takes time away from each other, is it cheating even if
there’s no real-world physical contact?
It's simple when you boil it down to this
rule:
If a deep, emotional and intimate attachment exists with someone online,
even if there is no physical contact or sexual interaction, it’s
cheating.
Sure, this is a grey area because you and your spouse define and determine
what is and isn’t cheating.
We live in a new era where the Internet makes it so easy to connect with
anyone in the world, often times anonymously.
It’s fun to make new friends or to connect with people from our past.
Online gaming can be pretty fun, too.
But here’s the thing, it can create marriage problems when a spouse
enjoys more time with his or her pals online than with their partner.
(I suppose a good
question to ask in that situation might be why the
spouse feels the need to spend more time with someone else other
than their partner.)
*** When we put more time into our online friends than we put into the
friendship with our spouse, it’s a red flag. ***
When a spouse becomes emotionally attached to someone on the
Internet and feeds that relationship, it takes time away from the
emotional bond they should be developing with their husband or wife.
So what advice would you give a friend in
that situation?
1) Encourage them to discuss the situation with their spouse by
sharing how it makes them feel. They might ask if there’s anything they
can do to help make the marriage healthier, happier or stronger.
2) Encourage your friend not to nag, accuse, raise their voice, or get defensive.
3) Encourage them to reassure their spouse that they’re not asking
for ALL of his or her time. Just a little bit more time in the real world to
enjoy each other is all they'd really like.
4) Encourage them to be calm, caring and understanding.
5) Encourage them to make it safe for their spouse to share what’s on
their heart and mind regarding the issue. It could be as simple as the
spouse feeing overworked, overwhelmed and that they’re just wanting
some “me" time.
But here’s another red flag:
If the spouse becomes angry and defensive over the idea of spending
less time online with their “friend” and more time with their partner,
it's a revelation that a fairly strong emotional attachment exists with
the other person.
It's safe to say that if either you or your spouse are emotionally attached,
or have romantic feelings/fantasies for someone online, your marriage
is sailing into dangerous water.
Sure, surfing the ‘Net to connect with someone is easier and more
convenient than hooking up with your spouse and getting out into
the real world of Three Dimensional People, BUT it’s so worth it,
and so much more fulfilling, too.
Decide to disconnect for a
few hours this week so you can
connect in a meaningful way with your spouse.
Try it. Gayle and I think you’ll like it. And we KNOW it'll set you on the
path to being mad about marriage again!
