It’s hard to believe it’s already October! Where has the year gone?
In the coming weeks, because of the holiday season with Thanksgiving
and Christmas, people will think more about family and friends than
at any other time of the year,
which…
…makes this the perfect time to have a heart-to-heart about forgiveness.
It’s not easy going through this time of year feeling unforgiven (it’s never easy, really).
And it’s certainly not easy celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with
your loved ones when nursing a grudge and fantasizing about throwing
the pumpkin pie in their face!
For the person who feels unforgiven or is holding a grudge, the
next
few weeks will likely be tense, awkward or stressful.
And for the husband and wife having trouble with each other and
their marriage, the holidays can feel cold and lonely.
It’s odd, but having a house full of “merry” people celebrating gratitude
and love can feel bitter for the couple that is struggling - it can make
their silent pain hurt even more.
Although surrounded by
smiling people in their beautifully decorated
home, for the husband or wife who aren't really getting along, they
have more tears than joy inside their hearts.
Going through the holidays with hurts and wounds is sort of like
the difference between watching TV in black and white
versus high
definition in full color.
It’s just not the same experience.
**** Now is time to deal with grudges and forgiveness issues. ***
Work on healing
your relationship or marriage right now to make
this year special and enjoy the holidays.
To help, here are some falsehoods about forgiveness that
might make it easier to get started:
Falsehood #1: When you forgive, you should forget about the
offense.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Forgiving your spouse doesn’t automatically erase your memory.
People say all the time "forgive and
forget" but I'm here to tell you that
they might forgive but the don't forget.
So let's get real about this, shall we?
*** The effect of genuine forgiveness is the ability to remember the hurt
without feeling the pain.***
It’s called healing.
And it takes time.
Forgiveness removes the pain. Maybe not immediately. But with time
the day comes when
it doesn't hurt anymore.
Falsehood #2: Forgiveness = approval.
No! Forgiveness isn't you saying that you condone what they did to you.
Forgiveness is you saying: "It’s time to for me to let this go and move forward."
Falsehood #3: You must tell your partner that you have forgiven them.
Not Always.
This is tricky. Imagine a situation where your spouse/friend/family member
feels like they are the victim.
How would they react if you told them that you had forgiven them?
Keep it simple. Start the process by forgiving your spouse/friend/family member
in your heart first. Then if the time comes when it seems you need to
verbalize it, do.
But start first by forgiving them.
It’s something you could do right now while you’re still reading this.
Falsehood #4: If you forgive them, you should trust them again immediately.
No!
Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues.
Forgiveness is like a gift — it’s something you give.
Forgiveness = grace.
People don’t earn your forgiveness but they do earn your trust.
Falsehood #5: Once you have forgiven your spouse/friend/family member, you
will feel warm and happy about them instantly!
No!!
Even though you’ve chosen to deal with your anger and hurt feelings
by forgiving them, don't expect to feel all warm and dreamy inside.
If you do, awesome!
But if you not, what’s a good emotional target to aim for?
This one: Feeling neutral or indifferent.
Moving from hatred or resentment or a deep seated grudge that
makes you rage within every time you see them to
feeling neutral
or indifferent IS progress.
In fact, it’s GREAT progress!
In the beginning, feeling neutral or indifferent is okay.
Sadly, though, that’s where some people stay.
They don’t follow through with doing what they know they need to
do to restore and heal the relationship completely.
Falsehood #6: Forgiveness is Instant.
This isn’t entirely true.
Complete forgiveness takes time.
You might even have to re-forgive your spouse/friend/family member along
and throughout your journey of healing.
Okay. Let's wrap this up. Think about what you want most.
Do you want to continue being miserable
--- OR ----
break free and be happy?
Imagine the kind of holiday season you hope can be yours. Create a vision.
Now ask, "Do I want the next few weeks to be cold and bitter? Or warm and special?"
You know what you want.
And you know what you need to do.
So start doing what you need to do right now to make things better.
Choose to forgive, and let the grace of a new beginning be the perfect ending
to 2015.
Until next time, this is Mike & Gayle Tucker and we want
you to be mad about marriage!
