Affairs. We’ve been talking about this taboo subject for a few weeks because
it affects so many marriages.
And it’s the kind of thing that many couples, especially those within a faith
community, are reluctant to discuss despite needing information for moving forward.
So if this topic isn’t relevant to your particular situation, perhaps you might consider
sharing what you learn with someone you know who is hurting.
Thank you for keeping an open mind as we continue discussing this very important topic.
So let me ask, is it possible to heal a marriage after an affair has
occurred?
Can trust be regained?
Can love be restored?
These questions are on the lips of so many married people who have experienced
the heart-rending pain of infidelity.
The wonderful news is that healing is possible and the relationship can be restored.
One of the first and most important steps, however, is determining if one or both spouses are still in love with each other. It’s common to hear a spouse say after an affair, “I still love my
husband/wife but I’m not in love with them.”
Often times the heat and emotional intensity of the physical/emotional affair clouds a person’s judgment and skews their feelings. So it’s important to know for sure whether they are or are not in love with their spouse. That’s why it’s essential to take time to
figure out the real status of your heart because sometimes, after the weeks and months have passed, you realize that you weren’t really where you thought you were emotionally with regards to the “other person.”
With that being said, here are three main steps that promote healing and
restoration after an affair:
1) Establish Honesty
To be successful in restoring your relationship and healing
your marriage after an affair, make honesty the foundation of your relationship and conversation with your spouse. Period.
If questions come up that you simply can’t answer or are too uncomfortable to answer at this juncture, then say so. But whatever you do, DO NOT lie because when the truth comes out
later on, you will have a hard time re-establishing trust with your spouse.
Similarly, if as the spouse who has been betrayed there are certain things you would rather not know about, say so.
It’s more common, however, for the “victim” of the affair to seek far too many details from the cheating spouse.
And remember, whether you discuss the details of the affair or
not, it’s never healthy
to obsess over the details.
Something for you to consider: When facing infidelity in marriage,
it’s usually best to
avoid the physical details of the affair because such knowledge can be detrimental
to the restoration process.
If you feel you really must know these details, wait a while before asking your spouse.
When you ask, let him or her know exactly what you want to know. Otherwise, they
may end up
giving you too much information.
2) Rebuild Trust
This is the second step of healing marital infidelity. It goes hand-in-hand with the first step.
Once you have established honesty in your relationship, rebuilding trust comes next because trust is the natural outcome of honesty.
You must reach the
point where you trust your partner as much as you trust yourself.
Doubt and disbelief compromise the restoration process making it very difficult to
re-establish full trust.
Seeing a marriage counselor at this point might be very healthy and productive for you and your relationship, and aid in rebuilding trust after the affair.
3. Move On
At some point in this process, give yourself the gift of letting go - leave the tragic betrayal behind and get on with your marriage, otherwise you and your marriage will be imprisoned
by the past.
Truth is, you are unable to change the past but you can change tomorrow.
You have a decision to make: Do you want to be a slave to the pain by reliving the
past over and over?
Or do you want to be free, strong and healthy as you move forward to create the
kind of
relationship you want and deserve?
If you choose to remain in the marriage, you cannot dredge up the past over and over
and hold it against your spouse every time there is a disagreement. If you do, you will
drive your wife or husband away.
Lastly, planning for the future is an important part of moving on. It doesn’t haven’t to be an elaborate plan where you agree on a course of action that involves 99 different steps.
What it means is this: you and your spouse must be on the same page in terms of
what you expect from the marriage.
If you share a mutual sense of unity and have pledged to meet the needs of each other,
your relationship has a bright future.
Realizing that love is a decision, and working together as a team to restore the marriage,
is the real secret to healing a marriage that has been damaged by an affair.
Until next time is the Mike & Gayle Tucker and we want you to be mad about marriage!
