Hi ,
Life happens. Problems come up. People change.
And before you know it, doubt can creep in and make you
wonder if you and your spouse have a future together.
That's what happened to Sally & Jim (not their real names).
Sally went to a marriage counselor. Tears were rolling down
her cheeks. "I'm married to my dream husband but I'm so
unhappy and miserable."
She told the counselor how they weren't in love like they
used to be, and that they were growing apart each day.
She admitted that despite her love for Jim she was deeply
angry with him - and that it was pushing him away.
Sally felt that Jim didn't want to be around her anymore.
He was always working; and when he was home he was
either on the computer, watching TV or tinkering with stuff
in the garage. Bringing it up only made things worse.
Sally and Jim are not alone. Thousands of married
couples feel that they are trapped in marital misery,
wondering what happened to the love and intimacy
they once
shared.
THE LIKELY CULPRITS OF MARITAL MISERY
Many are unaware of these two devastating fears that
are the likely culprits that are driving them apart.
Rejection is the first major fear.
Rejection destabilizes relationships because it causes
resentment, emotional withdrawal, physical absence,
and/or a judgmental/critical
attitude.
Loss of identity is the second major fear.
This happens when a spouse feels pressured (real or perceived)
by their partner's expectation to abandon their pursuits and
dreams.
As long as these underlying fears remain unresolved, the
couple will react defensively to each other.
The counselor in our story learned that Sally's anger was
triggered by a sense of rejection, which made Jim withdraw
physically and emotionally out of the fear of being swallowed
up by what he perceived to be Sally's suffocating demands.
Defensive behavior that is in reaction to the fear of rejection or
loss of identity, stresses the
relationship and it results in the
couple growing apart, becoming increasingly more distant.
Both parties feel hurt and blame each other for their misery.
Everyone is left feeling discouraged, trapped, and detached.
This is when many people flirt with the idea of cheating on
their spouse to have their needs met by someone else.
Sally later saw that Jim was not 100% of the problem - there
were other reasons deep within that triggered her fear of
rejection - and attacking him only made things worse.
Over the next few weekly tips, we'll talk about how you
can create and maintain a place of inner safety and
strength as you seek to make you marriage better by
by focusing on growing yourself
first.
You've waited long enough to have a happy marriage. We
invite you to take this exciting journey with us in the weeks
to come.
Until next time, this Mike & Gayle Tucker and we want you
to mad about marriage!
