Hi ,

It's estimated that 80% of marriages will suffer the effects of an
extramarital affair in some way.

Believe it or not, statistically four out of ten wives, and six out
of ten husbands will be unfaithful to their spouse.

When someone is having an affair, there are noticeable changes
in his or her habits, behavior, focus and productivity.

Most of the time, a cheating spouse will seem detached from
his or her partner.

The best thing to do when you notice any sudden character
change in your spouse is to confront him or her with what it
is that you think (please don't accuse them) you are observing.

Most of the time, cheating spouses keep their indiscretions very
secret, obviously, and don't come clean until caught.

As the "victim" of an affair,  it's only natural to feel angry, hurt and
embarrassed. You may also feel as if you failed your cheating
spouse in some way or another.

There are several types of affairs. And they are caused by different
reasons.

Here is a list of five main types of Affairs:

1. Affairs that result from a lack of intimacy in marriage.

2. Affairs that result from past sexual confusion and trauma.

3. Revenge affairs. Some people have an affair just because
their partner did or didn't do something. For example, a victim
of infidelity may feel inclined to cheat on his or her spouse just
to teach them a lesson.

4. Affairs that result from rage and anger.

5. Affairs to affirm personal desirability. In such cases, one
spouse may choose to have a brief affair to reaffirm that he
or she is still attractive to the opposite sex.

Whether or not the marriage will survive the affair depends on
the nature of the affair. For some couples, an affair may enable
them to clearly see the underlying problems in their marriage.
While to other couples, an affair is a death sentence to the relationship.

One of the most difficult issues to deal with in the wake of an affair
is the erosion of trust. It takes time for the cheating husband or wife
to regain the trust of their mate again because the wounds are so deep.

But what can the cheating spouse do to make things better and try
to save the relationship after the affair?

Ten Ways You Can Start the Healing Process:

1. Vent. During this time, allow your partner and yourself to vent
without censor.

Sometimes you will say mean and hurtful things that perhaps shouldn't
be said. But remember that it is important to get these things off your
chest while the opportunity lasts.

2. It's important after an affair, to remind yourself and your partner that
it will get better. It's helpful to hear that the problem won't last forever.

3. Validate yourself and your partner; let him or her know that they are
okay. You can do this by nodding in acceptance when they talk about
their pain and confusion.

4. Ask your partner what they learned from the affair - what he or she
is doing to protect and care for themselves so it doesn't happen again.

5. Space. You and your partner may need to give each other a little
elbow room during this difficult time. So be patient with them as they
figure things out and stumble their way through the healing process
with you.

6. Once you have heard and validated your spouse, you may begin
identifying new options and courses of action that they can take.
Recommend books and other useful resources to your partner.

7. Remember to ask your spouse how it's going once in a while.
This gives them a chance to open up to you and share exactly
how they are feeling and what they're going through.

8. Make an effort to understand how your spouse feels and what
he or she desires.  As you may expect, there will be gray areas
about how they are feeling and what they want.

9. Be consistent. As earlier mentioned, infidelity in a marriage
destroys trust. If you want your partner to trust you again, be
consistent in what you say and do.  If you are going to be
unavailable at a particular time, let them know. Full
transparency is essential.

10. Forgive. Forgiveness is a healing process that takes time.
But to have any degree of success at saving the marriage and
restoring your relationship from the fallout of the affair, you must
offer and receive forgiveness; it's essential to a new beginning.

Affairs affect the lives of those involved socially, emotionally,
 physically and financially; there's a spiritual impact, too.

If the affair has already happened, use the opportunity to start
over and begin building a marriage relationship that is filled
with trust, happiness and intimacy.

Affairs don't have to be the end. Don't waste the hurt. Use
the situation as a stepping stone to heal your marriage
and have a strong, fulfilling relationship. Others have
done this. So can you.

Until next time this is Mike & Gayle Tucker and we
want you to be mad about marriage!