Handling Emotional Adultery

Published: Fri, 08/08/14

Dear ,

Learning that a spouse has been emotionally unfaithful
is one of the deepest hurts a person will ever feel.

So this week I'd like to share a useful tactic (one
of the best you'll find) for dealing with emotional
infidelity.

Surprisingly, though, many spouses who've been victims of
adultery have told me that sexual infidelity was less
painful than emotional infidelity.

In case you're interested, here are signs of possible
emotional infidelity:
    o    Lack of interest in family events
    o    Working longer hours
    o    Excessive use of Internet and email leaving no history
    o    Carries his/her phone everywhere and talks in a low tone
    o    They begin taking better care of themselves
    o    Changes in their wardrobe
    o    Seems to be deep in thought, forgetful and absent minded
    o    Increased spending without an explanation
    o    Seems bored with life in general
    o    Is taking up new hobbies that do not involve you
    o    When caught lying, he or she gets defensive and angry
    o    Starts to treat you extremely nicely for no "good" reason

What are some effective ways to deal with emotional infidelity?

Well, first, hare are some ineffective ways:

Emotional outbursts, or setting out to "win back" the
emotionally unfaithful partner.

Other ineffective behaviors:

  • begging
  • flattering
  • making promises
  • ending flowers
  • giving gifts
  • trying to be more social and outgoing.

Surprisingly, those kinds of things tend to fuel emotional
infidelity because they usually push the cheating husband or
wife further away.

So what is an effective way to deal with emotional infidelity?

Simply this:

"Backing off".

This is one of the best tactics to use.

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it works really well.

It gives you a better chance at saving your marriage because
it allows time for your spouse to clear their head while
allowing space for the healing process to begin.

Although being the "victim" of emotional infidelity hurts
like crazy, try to remain as calm as possible. And although
you will probably be curious about the "other" person, refrain
from asking those kinds of questions.

Instead of being needy, practice being confident in yourself.  

Don't demand a loyalty pledge or anything of the sort.

Just do all you can to avoid being a pain in the neck no
matter how much they deserve it - and we both know that
they most definitely deserve it! (I know that sounds harsh
but trust me on this one).

Believe it or not, the emotional euphoria your partner
is experiencing will soon fade. So be self-controlled
and let this thing complete its course.

Remember, your partner needs breathing room and quiet
moments to think back and reflect on his or her behavior
and any hurt they've caused.

This process has a sobering effect on them because it
gives him or her the opportunity to realize that the
love "euphoria" that they're feeling is fleeting and
temporary - that it is NOT what they truly desire.

It will finally dawn upon the emotionally unfaithful
spouse (usually), that this current way of life is not
sustainable, enjoyable or fulfilling.

What usually happens is that he or she begins experiencing
feelings of emptiness, and will have a renewed desire to live
in the "real" world, and embrace and celebrate the history
with the one they really love, their spouse.

This is the difficult pathway through emotional infidelity.

It's not easy.

But it's very important for you to practice patience and
self control.

You may use a certain skill referred to as "charging neutral"
to back off. Do not expect for it to happen naturally for
you though; it will definitely take time, practice and patience.

So use this time to grow and develop, and to strengthen the
foundation of your life so you're a better and stronger person.

*** However, backing off doesn't mean giving up and having
nothing to do with your spouse. ***

Maintain quality interaction, and confront your partner with
the reality of his or her decisions - share the potential
consequences that their emotional infidelity might have on
your marriage and family.

Don't just be an idle spectator.

But realize that the only person in the relationship you
really have "control" over is yourself - and not your spouse.

Learning how to say and do the right thing at the right
time and place, helps you to deal more effectively with
the hurtful effects of emotional adultery.

And remember, although it sounds counter-intuitive,
backing off will enhance your chances of not only
surviving emotional infidelity but of also saving
your marriage.

Until next time, this is Mike & Gayle Tucker and we
want you to be mad about marriage!