Dear ,
Are misconceptions about forgiveness hurting your
marriage? Last week we talked about
spirituality -
and forgiveness in particular.
But here are six misconceptions about forgiveness
that are hurting marriages that Gayle & I thought
you'd like to know about:
Misconception #1: When you forgive, you should forget about
the offense.
Just because you forgive your spouse doesn't mean you should
forget about it. (I know "forgetting" is what you've been taught.)
True forgiveness is much
better than forgetting. Here's why.
If you can remember the particular offense without feeling
the emotional pain connected to it, then you've completely
forgiven your spouse.
So
it's not so much about forcing yourself to forget as it is
about releasing the pain, resentment and bitterness.
Misconception #2: Forgiveness equals approval.
You can forgive without giving your approval or condoning
the offending action.
You're not saying "What you did was okay" when you forgive
someone.
Forgiveness paves the way for you to move forward - to get
on
with your life in a way that is emotionally and spiritually
healthy.
Misconception #3: To forgive, you must tell your partner that
you have forgiven them.
Believe it or not, you
can forgive your spouse, or anyone for that matter,
without telling them - just forgive them!
It's enough for you to forgive someone in your heart without actually
telling them that you have forgiven
them.
Sometimes the person you need to forgive has passed away.
Forgiving someone in your heart - in your soul- "counts".
Misconception #4: If you forgive them, you should trust them
again immediately.
Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues and should be
treated as such.
Even after you have forgiven your spouse, rebuilding trust takes
time depending upon the severity of the offense.
In fact, in the case of marital infidelity, only a person of questionable
mental health would trust his or her partner immediately after their
trust has been violated because it sends the message that their
partner can continue violating
their trust without consequence.
The cheating spouse must earn back their partner's trust
through consistent trustworthy behavior.
Trust is earned.
Forgiveness is a gift.
Misconception #5: Once you have forgiven your partner you will
automatically have positive feelings towards them.
The opposite of anger and hate isn't love, it's indifference.
Even though you've chosen to deal with your hurt & anger by
forgiving your spouse, this doesn't mean you will immediately
have "warm fuzzies" for them.
At this point, being neutral is good enough.
Misconception # 6 Forgiveness is Instant
This isn't entirely true. Complete forgiveness takes time. You
may even have to choose to re-forgive your spouse as you heal
emotionally and
spiritually from being wounded.
However, if you really want to have a healthy & happy marriage,
then enjoy the healing & freedom that authentic forgiveness brings.
Until next time,
this is Mike & Gayle Tucker and want you
to be mad about marriage!
