Hi ,
Have you noticed how we tend to associate certain emotions
with people based on our experience(s) with them? In fact,
just seeing them triggers a positive or
negative reaction.
If our interaction with them has been positive, our reaction
will be positive. If negative, then it'll be negative.
Let me ask something: If you're struggling in your
relationship with your partner and you've been focusing
on their negative traits, what kind kind of emotional
reaction to them are you conditioning yourself to have?
That's right. Negative.
Will this draw you closer or drive you further apart?
Each of us is
conditioning ourselves to associate a
certain kind of emotional experience with our spouse.
And it's really the quality of our emotional experience
with our spouse that largely determines the quality
of our marriage.
It's up to us whether it'll be positive or negative.
Here are two ways to shift a negative reaction into a
positive reaction:
1) Stop reacting and start responding.
Reaction focuses on the external - usually circumstances
that we feel
are shaping our marriage.
"Responding", on the other hand, is more internal - it's
deciding to be proactive and take charge of shaping
our circumstances instead of letting them shape us.
2) Focus on your partner's good traits.
If we invest most of our thought energy on focusing on
our partner's negative qualities, we'll create a negative
dynamic in our relationship. So why not decide to focus
on their positive qualities instead?
In fact, take 30 seconds
right now while you're reading
this to list three qualities you love about your mate.
Go ahead. I'll wait for you. Three qualities...
...It could be how playful they are, or hardworking,
they spend time with the kids, make you laugh, help
around the house....
...I don't know what they are for you - but go ahead
and list three qualities right now! No matter how bad
you think your relationship is, anyone can think of
three things - maybe they took a shower
this week -
that's one! Or brushed their teeth a few days ago!
That's two. Come on! Three things!
Okay. Have your list of three things? Excellent. Now
promise me you'll look at that list at least once a day.
Twice would be better - like when you wake up in the
morning and right before you go to sleep.
And when your spouse does something that drives
you nuts and triggers that negative reaction, promise
me you'll immediately think of your list of three
things.
Doing this will condition you to have a much healthier
emotional experience with your spouse.
Lastly, you might think about sharing one of the three
things on your list with your spouse this week so they
know that you actually like them - imagine how this alone
might improve your relationship!
It'll make their day...and it might just make yours, too.
That's it for this week. Until next time this is Mike &
Gayle and we want you to be
mad about marriage!